I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
