I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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