I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
