Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
