Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
