For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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