Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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