Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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