So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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