Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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