woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
