i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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