He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
