I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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