Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
