found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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