I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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