Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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