who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Four minutes until I can fart!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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