so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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