so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
