Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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