I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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