So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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