Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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