I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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