I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
