Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
