Your mouth is God's brothel.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
