being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He did a backflip because drugs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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