Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
