If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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