You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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