This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
