I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
