dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
