come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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