She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize