I just pynch a tree in the face
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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