I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
