I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
