I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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