The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
