I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
