Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
