my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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