Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
