Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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