I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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