her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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