Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize