I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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