We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
