At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
