I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
