I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
