she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
