I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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